modern love essay new york times

359 episodes

For 20 years, the Modern Love column has given New York Times readers a glimpse into the complicated love lives of real people. Since its start, the column has evolved into a TV show, three books and a podcast. Each week, host Anna Martin brings you stories and conversations about love in all its glorious permutations, dumb pitfalls and life-changing moments. New episodes every Wednesday. Listen to this podcast in New York Times Audio, our new iOS app for news subscribers. Download now at nytimes.com/audioapp

Modern Love The New York Times

• Society & Culture
• 4.3 • 8K Ratings
• MAY 22, 2024

Peter Gallagher’s Marriage Advice? Don’t Get Divorced.

Actor Peter Gallagher (Sex, Lies, & Videotape and The O.C.) met his wife, Paula Harwood, over forty years ago in college in a stairwell meet-cute. Since then, they’ve maintained a loving marriage and managed to raise a family while navigating the world of show business. We talked to Peter on his 41st wedding anniversary, and he read us the Modern Love essay “Failing in Marriage Does Not Mean Failing at Marriage” by Joe Blair. Despite the essayist being kicked out of the house by his wife five times, the couple managed to remain married and learn that a relationship can mean trying together and failing together. Reflecting on the essay, Peter gave us his advice for staying the course. Peter Gallagher will be performing on Broadway this fall in Delia Ephron’s play ‘Left on Tenth.’

• MAY 15, 2024

Liza Colón-Zayas, of ‘The Bear,’ on Loving Someone Who’s in the Fight of Their Life

On the Emmy- and Peabody-winning series “The Bear,” Liza Colón-Zayas plays Tina Marrero, a cook at the Chicago restaurant at the center of the story. Tina and her fellow workers are in a constant struggle for the survival of their restaurant, and they fight just as fiercely with one another. Only at rare moments do we see them drop the tough exterior and show one another love or respect. Today, Colón-Zayas reads “A Web Between Her Body and Mine,” by Karen Paul. It’s a Modern Love essay about two friends who also met at work, but have a different kind of bond: Karen has no problem showing affection to her best friend, Miriam. But after Miriam has a terrible accident, Karen finds herself in uncharted territory, not certain when, or how, to support her. It’s a story Colón-Zayas says she relates to personally, and her reaction to it takes her by surprise.

• MAY 8, 2024

¡Hola Papi!, Does My Grandmother Need to Know I’m Gay?

Ahead of Mother’s Day, the advice columnist John Paul Brammer (a.k.a. ¡Hola Papi!) has a reminder: Loving your abuela doesn’t have to mean telling her everything.

• MAY 1, 2024

Emily Ratajkowski Can Take Care of Herself, but a Little Help Would Be Nice

Emily Ratajkowski is doing a balancing act many famously beautiful women have to perform. In her 2021 book “My Body,” she reflects on what it’s been like to build a career based on her public image, and her struggle to control that image in an industry largely run by men. Since getting divorced a few years ago, she’s been thinking a lot about gender dynamics and the type of agency she wants to have in dating, too. Today, Ratajkowski reads “Why I Fell for an ‘I’m the Man’ Man,” by Susan Forray. Forray is also a successful, self-sufficient woman, dating after divorce. She’s surprised to find herself falling for a man with old-fashioned ideas about who does what in a relationship. (He pays for dinner, handles the finances and initiates sex). As a single mom who handles everything, Ratajkowski says, she can relate to the desire to be cared for once in a while. And that doesn’t have to mean playing into a sexist stereotype.

• APR 24, 2024

Laufey, Gen Z’s Pop Jazz Icon, Sings for the Anxious Generation

Laufey, the 25-year-old singer-songwriter, has risen to prominence by taking the trials of today’s dating world — casual relationships, no labels and seemingly endless swiping on apps — and turning them into timeless love songs. Today, Laufey reads Coco Mellors’s essay, “An Anxious Person Tries to Be Chill,” which is about a woman trying to work through her deep-seated relationship anxieties and attachment issues in an on-again, off-again situationship. Laufey says she, too, has been an anxious partner. While she thinks a toxic relationship, like the one in the essay, can make for a great love song, she now knows secure relationships can make beautiful music, too.

• APR 17, 2024

Why John Magaro of ‘Past Lives’ Could Never Love a Picky Eater

The actor John Magaro is picky about whom he goes to dinner with. Magaro is an adventurous eater. So whether he’s buying offal from the butcher, making stews from the 1800s or falling in love over a plate of rabbit, he says it’s important to him that the people he shares a meal with are willing to be curious. For Magaro, it’s about more than personal preferences. Sharing a meal and connecting with other people, he says, is the bedrock of society. Magaro played Arthur in “Past Lives,” one of our favorite movies last year. His character is constantly working to understand his wife on a deeper level. And Magaro sees that quality in “My Dinners With Andrew,” by Sara Pepitone, a Modern Love essay about food as a love language, and a series of dinners that make, and break, two relationships.

• © 2020-2024 THE NEW YORK TIMES COMPANY; The New York Times encourages the use of RSS feeds for personal use in a news reader or as part of a non-commercial blog, subject to your agreement to our Terms of Service.

Customer Reviews

Brilliant show love all the modern love essays and formats.

Brilliant show! Love all the Modern Love essays and formats. The careful and thoughtful choice to feature each, and every essay, the brilliant conversations about the essay, the amazing themes challenges, and life choices that are explored, each perspective brings a new point of view, refracting like a kaleidoscope. I look forward to each episode.

new format is disappointing

I used to love this podcast. I can’t stand the new format. My memory is they always had a celebrity read an essay. Sometimes they would have a brief exchange with the narrator/celebrity about the essay. then they would often check in with the author of the essay about the emotional place they were in when they submitted an essay and how the publication of the essay did or did not change their relationships or lives, and finally where they stand now. These long interviews with the celebrities instead of the authors are so incredibly boring, and the “insight” they give often has absolutely nothing to do with the essay and its intended message. And i am often thinking, this is the worst advice/interpretation i have ever heard 1 why are they asking these people? I am not a huge fan of the host and i hate the new format. It is too bad.

NOBODY Likes this Celebrity Update Version

ILOVED HEARING **AUTHORS** TALK ABOUT THEIR PIECES. Reading all the other reviews I feel seen! I thought I was the only one that HATED this new format with celebrities. Turns out Everybody HATES this update. PLEASE BRING BACK THE AUTHORS!!! Some producer im sure saw podcasts with celebs trending. But that’s not why we LISTEN. I LOVE HEARING *AUTHORS* TALK ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCES.

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How to Successfully Submit to Modern Love NYT Submissions

Reaching out to Modern Love at the New York Times can feel like a Herculean task, doesn’t it? Trust me, you’re not alone in these jittery feelings. Wrestling with those same doubts, I unearthed the essentials for crafting an essay that stands out.

This blog is your guide to navigating the submission process with ease, sprinkled with insider tips that will make your story shine. Let’s dive in together!

Table of Contents

Key Takeaways

• Follow the Modern Love submission guidelines on The New York Times website, keeping your essay between 1,500-1,700 words . Share true experiences about love and relationships .
• Use your email’s subject line wisely by including the topic or a potential title of your essay to grab an editor’s attention quickly.
• Focus on modern relationships in your essay, bringing personal stories to life with vivid descriptions and dialogue to engage readers and editors alike.
• Expect a response within 6 months after submitting your work through the specified process on The New York Times Modern Love page without any notifications until a decision is reached.
• Submitting to Modern Love presents an opportunity for wide exposure in The New York Times and could add credibility to your writing portfolio.

How to Submit Your Essay to Modern Love

Submit your essay to Modern Love by following the submission guidelines and adhering to the length requirements. Craft a strong submission by focusing on a modern relationship, using personal anecdotes, and incorporating storytelling techniques.

Submission guidelines

Check the Modern Love page on The New York Times website for all you need to know about submission guidelines. Make sure your essay tells a personal story about love and relationships today.

Your words should reflect true experiences that touch hearts and provoke thoughts. Submit your work by sending it to [email protected] , but first, ensure your essay is within 1,500-1,700 words .

Put the subject of your essay or a possible title in the email’s subject line to catch an editor’s eye. Following these steps closely increases your chances of catching the attention of Dan Jones , the column’s editor who sifts through around 8,000 submissions each year.

Next up: understanding how long your submission should be will take you closer to publication.

Length requirements

Essays for Modern Love should be 1,500-1,700 words long . The length of your essay is vital to meeting the submission guidelines. Remember that your story needs to fit within this word range so you can captivate the readers and make an impact.

This ensures that your work aligns with the expectations of the column’s editor Dan Jones and has a chance at being considered for publication in The New York Times . Understanding these requirements will help set your submission up for success.

Moving on to “Email subject line”..

Email subject line

When submitting to Modern Love, use the essay’s subject or a possible title in the email subject line . This helps editors understand your submission and categorize it correctly. For example, “ Modern Love Submission : My Unconventional Romance” lets them know what to expect when they open your email.

Remember, a clear and catchy subject line can make your submission stand out among the thousands they receive each year.

Tips for Crafting a Strong Submission

Crafting a strong submission requires focusing on modern relationships and using personal anecdotes. Incorporate storytelling techniques to make your essay compelling.

Focus on a modern relationship

When crafting your Modern Love submission, make sure to focus on contemporary relationships , marriage, and dating. Use personal anecdotes to illustrate the complexities of modern love while incorporating storytelling techniques to captivate the readers.

Emphasize the ever-evolving nature of relationships in today’s world through your narrative.

The next section will cover more tips for creating a compelling submission that resonates with the editors at Modern Love.

Use personal anecdotes

Craft your essay with personal anecdotes to bring authenticity and connection to your writing. Share specific experiences that highlight the emotions, challenges, and growth within modern relationships.

These real-life stories can make your submission relatable and engaging for readers, enhancing the impact of your message. Incorporating personal narratives will elevate the depth and resonance of your essay, making it more compelling for consideration by Modern Love editors.

Incorporate storytelling techniques

When crafting a Modern Love submission, consider using personal anecdotes to bring your relationship experiences to life. Utilize storytelling techniques such as vivid descriptions and engaging dialogue to captivate the reader’s attention.

By incorporating these elements, you can create a compelling narrative that resonates with the Modern Love audience.

The Submission Process

Submitting to Modern Love is an exciting opportunity. Read more for details on the submission process.

How to submit through the New York Times website

To submit through the New York Times website:

• Visit The New York Times Modern Love page .
• Click on “Submit an Essay for Consideration.”
• Fill out the required information accurately .
• Attach your essay as specified (1,500 – 1,700 words).
• Review and adhere to the official submission guidelines.
• Submit your essay and await a response from the editors .

Response time and notifications

After submitting your essay to Modern Love, expect a response within 6 months . The submission process does not provide notifications until the final decision is made. Keep an eye on your email for a response from Dan Jones, the column’s editor and be patient throughout this period of waiting.

Consider submitting your love story to Modern Love and don’t miss out on this publication opportunity.

Benefits of submitting to Modern Love

Submitting to Modern Love offers the chance for my love stories and personal essays to be seen by a large audience through The New York Times . There’s also potential recognition and credibility from being published in such a prestigious literary magazine , which writers like me certainly desire.

Encouragement to submit

Don’t hesitate to submit your essay to Modern Love. The editors are eager for fresh and authentic stories like yours. You could be one of the lucky writers chosen from the 8,000 submissions received each year.

Your personal narrative about modern relationships is valuable and could resonate with countless readers . Submit now to share your unique voice with a wide audience and join the ranks of successful Modern Love contributors.

Unlock the opportunity to see your work published in one of the most prominent platforms for relationship essays by submitting today!

Victoria Sterling is a seasoned author and publishing consultant dedicated to empowering writers on their journey to success. With over two decades of experience in the publishing industry, Victoria provides invaluable guidance and support to writers, helping them navigate the complexities of publishing and achieve their literary dreams. Through her expertise and passion for storytelling, Victoria inspires writers to unleash their creativity and thrive in the ever-evolving world of publishing.

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From ghosting to 30-year marriages.

If there’s one thing the jury’s still out on, it’s millennial relationships . After all, we’re the generation that invented terms like “ghosting” and “Facebook official.” And while there are plenty of common threads throughout all romantic relationships, across history, there is something unique about love in a generation that has no clue how to unplug (or, you know, how to communicate in complete sentences anymore. Or in person. With eye contact.). To answer these burning questions, we’ve collected the Modern Love columns every millennial needs to read.

Millennials — anyone with a birthday between 1981 and 1996 — are known for a lot of things. Stacking up in the “ things the world hates about millennials column” we have: being obsessed with self-expression and using social media to prove it; being completely attached to our phones; and being more materialistic and less community-focused than the generations that came before us. On the positive side, we’re proving to be the most diverse generation by far. Many of us are actually quite civically and politically engaged, and we’re also reported to be the most educated generation in history.

If you’re not familiar with the New York Times ’ Modern Love column — a weekly essay series exploring the endless manifestations of human love and relationships: romantic, platonic, unrequited, familial, strained, and more — then consider this your brand-new crash course in modern relationships. Here are the 16 Modern Love columns that every millennial should read:

“Am I Gay Or Straight? Maybe This Fun Quiz Will Tell Me” by Katie Heaney

In "Am I Gay Or Straight?," one woman dives headfirst into the world of online quizzes, seeking the answers to her lifelong sexual identity questions.

Read it here .

“The Entire Netflix History of Us” by Tonya Malinowski

Writer Tonya Malinowski takes readers through the Netflix history (and Netflix-inspired memories) of her recently-ended relationship, only to discover that her ex has committed the cardinal sin of still using her Netflix login.

“He Made Affection Feel Simple” by Denny Agassi

Denny Agassi explores her dating life as a trans woman on Grindr , including one-night-stands with cis men she meets on the app and how one guy stuck around long enough to build intimacy, in “He Made Affection Feel Simple.”

“His Comfort Is Not My Responsibility” by Alexandra Capellini

In “His Comfort Is Not My Responsibility,” Alexandra Capellini, a medical student whose childhood cancer treatment included the amputation of one leg, ruminates on how much information about ourselves we should freely give to one another — and how much of it shouldn’t matter.

“How 30 Blocks Became 30 Years” by Ben Mattlin

Ben Mattlin’s essay, named for the length of the author’s marriage — and the distance his wife-to-be once walked on foot to see an Elvis Costello concert with him in the days before New York City’s public transit was wheelchair-accessible — is a testament to longterm relationships, as well as a subtle call for parity.

“How Lolita Freed Me From My Own Humbert” by Bindu Bansinath

In this Modern Love essay, Bindu Bansinath shares the irony of her much-older abuser buying her a coveted copy of Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita , and how that novel became a blueprint for her escape from her own cycle of manipulation and abuse.

“How to Stop Breaking Up” by Matthew Sullivan

An on-again-off-again bohemian couple keep finding their way back to one another in Matthew Sullivan’s “How to Stop Breaking Up.”

“Is There Something Odd About Being Single?” by Helen Betya Rubinstein

Why do we assume the other adults we meet will be partnered up? Is singlehood, as Helen Betya Rubinstein describes it, “a state people assume you are trying to flee,” particularly for “childless white wom[en] in [their] 30s”? And if so, what does that mean for those who are comfortable being alone?

“Learning to Lean In Together” by Paula Derrow

Let’s face it: Not many millennials have the financial comforts Paula Derrow describes in this essay. But the casualness of Derrow’s romance, and the long-distance finagling they do to make things work, will be ultra-relatable to anyone who has had to move where the jobs were, even it was where their partners weren’t .

“A Millennial’s Guide to Kissing” by Emma Court

After two college students lip lock on an overnight flight from Israel to the United States, they’re certain to never see one another again — until writer Emma Court seeks her in-flight kiss out social media.

“My Best Friend Is Gone, and Nothing Feels Right” by Jared Misner

A heart-wrenching look at what it’s like to lose loved ones during a global pandemic, Jared Misner’s Modern Love column recounts his relationship with his best friend, Alison, who died from Covid-19 at the age of 29.

“My Platonic Romance on the Psych Ward” by Jeannie Vanasco

If you’re a millennial, you probably have at least one friend who has spent time in inpatient psychiatric treatment. Maybe you’re that friend. In either case, you’ll find a lot to love in Jeannie Vanasco’s “My Platonic Romance on the Psych Ward.”

“Not Saying My Dog Is Cupid, but...” by R.L. Maizes

This tender little story is the perfect read for anyone who watched 101 Dalmatians as a kid and hoped their dog would someday play matchmaker for them.

“Race Wasn’t an Issue to Him, Which Was an Issue to Me” by Kim McLarin

Black writer Kim McLarin details her post-divorce relationship with a white man, giving particular focus to how each one dealt with racism in the United States, in “Race Wasn’t an Issue to Him.”

“Taking Marriage Class at Guantánamo” by Mansoor Adayfi

After spending nearly 15 years in the United States’ most notorious prison, Mansoor Adayfi penned this mournful tribute to a lost youth and the promise of a bright future.

“When Neither Male Nor Female Seems To Fit” by Claire Rudy Foster

If you are, or if you know, an AFAB person who now identifies as non-binary, you’ll immediately recognize the conflict Claire Rudy Foster describes in this powerful Modern Love piece.

This article was originally published on April 17, 2018

💞 Celebrating “Modern Love” at 13

Remember being 13? All the anxiety and excitement? Are you an adult now? Still a kid? Now it’s Modern Love’s turn to become a teenager.

The first Modern Love column, “ Just Friends? Let Me Read Between the Lines ” by Steve Friedman, was published on October 31, 2004. In the 13 years since, more than 80,000 submissions have poured in. The weekly essays about the trials of love have spawned countless books, movie deals — and even a podcast . So far in 2017, people have spent more than 140 cumulative years reading Modern Love online and have downloaded the equivalent of 600 years of Modern Love podcast episodes.

Edited by Daniel Jones, Modern Love serves as a forum that explores love in all of its messy permutations — romantic love, yes; but love between friends and family as well.

To mark this special occasion, we’re celebrating with “Awkward and Amazing: Modern Love at 13 .”  

We’ve commissioned new essays from several acclaimed writers and reported on a neuroscientist who studies how love affects the brain (even her own). And because love can be funny, we also invited a cartoonist to take stab. Modern Love at 13 also includes six follow-up essays on what happened with the people — especially the partners we didn’t hear from the first time — from some of our most memorable Modern Love columns, along with 13-word love stories submitted by Times readers.  

“Since 2004, the Modern Love column—like love itself—has been a source of tears, agitation, inspiration, laughter and empathy,” said Modern Love editor, Daniel Jones. “We’re thrilled to celebrate its 13 th birthday with fresh perspectives: video interviews, graphic art, data analysis from the Upshot, new essays and classic essays re-examined.”

“Awkward and Amazing: Modern Love at 13” will also run as a special print section along with the Friday, November 17 edition of the newspaper.

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For 20 years, the Modern Love column has given New York Times readers a glimpse into the complicated love lives of real... more

Listen now on

Actor Peter Gallagher (Sex, Lies, & Videotape and The O.C.) met his wife, Paula Harwood, over forty years ago in... more

On the Emmy- and Peabody-winning series “The Bear,” Liza Colón-Zayas plays Tina Marrero, a cook at the Chicago restaurant at... more

Ahead of Mother’s Day, the advice columnist John Paul Brammer (a.k.a. ¡Hola Papi!) has a reminder: Loving your abuela doesn’t... more

Emily Ratajkowski is doing a balancing act many famously beautiful women have to perform. In her 2021 book “My Body,”... more

Laufey, the 25-year-old singer-songwriter, has risen to prominence by taking the trials of today’s dating world — casual relationships, no... more

The actor John Magaro is picky about whom he goes to dinner with. Magaro is an adventurous eater. So whether... more

Over the last two decades, Esther Perel has become a world-famous couples therapist by persistently advocating frank conversations about infidelity,... more

When Maya Hawke’s famous parents got divorced, she was just a little kid trying to navigate their newly separate worlds.... more

Penn Badgley has made a career out of playing deeply troubled characters. From his role as Joe Goldberg on the... more

The chef Samin Nosrat lives by the idea that food is love. Her Netflix series, “Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat,” and... more

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Modern Love, Revised and Updated: True Stories of Love, Loss, and Redemption Paperback – September 3, 2019

Purchase options and add-ons.

• Print length 304 pages
• Language English
• Publisher Crown
• Publication date September 3, 2019
• Dimensions 5.16 x 0.63 x 8 inches
• ISBN-10 0593137043
• ISBN-13 978-0593137048
• See all details

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About the author, excerpt. © reprinted by permission. all rights reserved., product details.

• Publisher ‏ : ‎ Crown; Updated edition (September 3, 2019)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Paperback ‏ : ‎ 304 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0593137043
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0593137048
• Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 7.4 ounces
• Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.16 x 0.63 x 8 inches
• #107 in Dating (Books)
• #120 in Essays (Books)
• #344 in Love & Romance (Books)

About the authors

Daniel jones.

Daniel Jones has edited the Modern Love column in The New York Times since its launch in 2004. His books include “Love Illuminated: Exploring Life's Most Mystifying Subject with the Help of 50,000 Strangers,” “The Bastard on the Couch: 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explore Their Feelings About Love, Loss, Freedom, and Fatherhood,” and a novel, “After Lucy,” which was a finalist for the Barnes & Noble Discover Award. His new book, "Modern Love," is an anthology of many of the best Modern Love columns from the past 15 years. Jones appears weekly on the Modern Love podcast and is consulting producer for Amazon Studios’ show “Modern Love.” He lives in Northampton, Massachusetts and in New York City.

Deborah Copaken

DEBORAH COPAKEN is the New York Times bestselling author of several books, including Shutterbabe, The Red Book, and Between Here and April. A contributing writer at The Atlantic, she was also a TV writer on "Emily in Paris," performer (The Moth, etc.), and a former Emmy Award-winning news producer and photojournalist. Her photographs have appeared in Time, Newsweek, and The New York Times. Her writing has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Guardian, The Financial Times, The Observer, The Wall Street Journal, The Nation, Slate, O, the Oprah Magazine, and Paris Match, among others. Her column, “When Cupid is a Prying Journalist,” was adapted for the Modern Love streaming series. She lives in Brooklyn with her family.

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First Lines of Rejected “Modern Love” Essays

By Zach Zimmerman

Modern Love is a weekly column, a book, a podcast—and now, in its 16th year, a television show—about relationships, feelings, betrayals and revelations. — The Times.

My husband and I don’t text, we don’t talk, we don’t live together, I don’t know where he lives (I have my guesses), and we’ve never been more in modern love.

The vows wrote themselves, pouring from my ballpoint pen like milk being poured from a gallon of milk.

At the top of Machu Picchu, as the woman I would one day call my wife vomited up the engagement ring I’d hidden in her Nalgene, I caught a glimpse of God’s plan.

I asked Sally to watch “When Harry Met Sally” with me on our third date. My name isn’t Harry—it’s Henry—but it would have been very cool if it were Harry.

It felt right when I swiped right, but when he left I wished that I had swiped in the other direction (left).

The charcuterie board was covered with meats, cheeses, and a dog-eared letter from my late great-grandfather.

First, he stole my identity. Then he stole my heart.

In this “Modern Love” essay, I will argue that, although my ex cheated on me with my best friend, I share blame for the demise of our relationship, insofar as I could not successfully articulate my emotional wants, needs, and feelings in a concise, productive way during the relationship.

When I met Sally, I asked if she’d seen “When Harry Met Sally.” She had. I hadn’t. My name is Brian.

“What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me,” Haddaway sang over the hospital loudspeakers as a baby named Haddaway hurt me during a scheduled C-section.

I’m Christian. My husband is Jewish. We’re getting a Buddhist divorce.

Of all the Etsy shops in all the towns in all the world, she bought used baby shoes from mine.

I called No. 54 at the D.M.V. where I work. The next day, No. 54 called my number.

Men always ask me to watch “When Harry Met Sally” because my name is Sally, but they’re never named Harry, so they’re not as clever as they think.

Everything on my wedding day was picture perfect—it’s how I knew that something was horribly wrong.

Love is like a box of chocolates, in that I like both of those things.

In rural Alabama, where coyotes holler and jug bands play, “I love you”s are rarer than routine medical care.

The dick pic looked familiar, as if I’d seen it in a dream; then it dawned on me that it was a picture of my own penis.

When you realize you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible, Sally.

I didn’t know love until I gave birth and fell in modern love with the obstetrician. ♦

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Parent item expand the sub menu, ralph lauren’s q4: an eps beat, muted outlook and a new cfo, exclusive: trove ceo gayle tait steps down, after a hectic year, mike faist is taking a deserved break, mandy len catron’s love in the modern age.

The author of the popular New York Times' Modern Love essay "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" continues the discussion in her first book.

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If there ever was a “Modern Love” essay that needs no introduction, it would be Mandy Len Catron’s deliciously-titled “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This.”

The Vancouver-based writer’s essay, in the popular New York Times’ column, was published in January 2015, and though the writer was incredibly pleased to have her work in the paper (and anticipated a bit of a career bump), she had no idea the essay would explode the way it did.

For those unfamiliar, the essay described Catron’s experience of putting to the test psychologist Arthur Aron’s 36-question exercise for initiating a spark. Aron’s study was 20 years old at the time Catron tried it, but she evidently tapped into something readers in 2015 were grappling with: the article was circulated millions of times within weeks.

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Today, Catron releases her debut book, “How to Fall in Love with Anyone,” from Simon & Schuster, which covers topics like “Bad Advice From Good People,” “The Tyranny of Meeting Cute” and “If You Can Fall in Love with Anyone, How Do You Choose?”

We chatted with the writer ahead of the book’s release.

WWD: In the book’s introduction, you talk about how when “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” was published, you were not anticipating the windswept popularity it was met with. What was that experience like?

Mandy Len Catron: I was definitely very excited about publishing something in the New York Times — it changed my career, so I was hopeful and nervous. I just don’t think I could have ever anticipated the way in which people embraced these questions. I was working full-time, teaching three classes; I would come back from class, and would be on my phone doing radio interviews. I’m so glad it happened, but I am perfectly content not having to live through that again (laughs).

WWD: Why do you think people connected with it so strongly?

M.L.C.: I spent a lot of time thinking about this, and mostly what I think is that everybody wants to feel known by other people — whether that is strangers or partners or spouses of 50 years. It’s scary to tell someone, “I want to connect with you” or “I want to tell you the details of my life,” but it’s not that scary to say, “Hey! Do you want to try this cool experiment?”

The other thing is that this is the era of online dating and apps like Tinder. It’s not very easy for one person to connect with a ton of other people. The number of potential partners is higher than ever before; so many of those interactions are really superficial, whether it’s a single date that you never hear from again or just exchanging of messages for a week. But [the experiment] was sort of a total 180-degree alternative to that. It was like, “Oh wait! Can I get in-depth with one person?”

WWD: You write about your fascination with your parents’ relationship (he was a high school football coach, she was a cheerleader), and how that was your launching point for exploring love — what was it about their story that intrigued you?

M.L.C.:  I grew up going to football games every Friday night; when we were little, my sister and I always had cheerleaders for baby sitters. I think part of what I loved about my parents’ story is that it was so tightly connected to the world of football. It felt like I had this real sense of belonging. I loved being the coach’s daughter. I think I wanted to belong to this world that really validated my parents and sense of self, and their love story was kind of an origin story for this world. Also, I just loved love stories. It was just a really sweet love story.

WWD: One of the book’s chapters is called “The Problem of Deservingness: Our American Obsession with Cinderella,” and you talk about love stories that are problematic. Who, then, are some of your favorite writers on the topic of love?

M.L.C.:  One recent book that comes to mind is “The Course of Love” by Alain de Botton. It’s a novel about two characters, a man and a woman, who meet, connect, fall in love and get married. This was in the first 20 pages, and then the chapter ends and there is a blank page and all it says is “ever after” — so there is another 200 pages that is just about their marriage. I think it’s great because we have this idea that the reason that all of our love stories focus on the beginning of the relationship because that is the most interesting part, but that doesn’t have to be true. The details of the marriage, even the mundane aspects, can be interesting.

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NYT Modern Love essayist navigates her grief with support from Walpole writing group

Writing can be a lonely activity, and you could say the same thing about processing grief. But Tina Hedin of Keene found community in a local writing group. It’s there that she started working on an essay about her grief after her daughter’s death. That essay recently appeared in the New York Times’ Modern Love section.

NHPR's Morning Edition host Rick Ganley spoke with Hedin about how writing can connect people who are grieving.

Your essay's called "We Didn't Know It Was the Last Time." Can you tell us about the essay for listeners who have not read that yet?

I think of it as an essay where the past and the present are happening at the same time. In my own experience of grief, that's a state that I find myself in a lot – where I'm in the present, but memories of the past are triggered by some little event and come rushing back.

And that's what happened the day that I'm describing in the story. I was at the gym. I saw a young woman there who reminded me of my daughter. It was Christmas season. I saw a picture on my phone that day taken of my daughter, and it took me back so vividly to the last days that we were together with her, and I describe that in my story.

And the experience of writing about that made me reflect on a more universal experience. Often we don't get a chance to know when something is the last time, when it's the last time we're with our loved one. Or we do something that we think is ordinary, and then in retrospect, it's incredibly precious and special because it will never happen again.

Writing isn't your job professionally, but you belong to a Walpole writing group. How did that help you navigate your grief after your daughter Kiki died?

I didn't expect to share the things that I was writing initially, but I did have a place to share them with my group. And as the months went by and I did get feedback from others, I realized that sharing my writing with other people who have experienced grief could give others what I got from reading.

Initially, after Kiki died, I was just desperate to find writing by others who had gone through the loss of a child, who were experiencing that kind of grief, and I was in hopes of feeling a connection, feeling not alone in this terrible experience.

What's been the response from readers to your essay? The New York Times obviously has a huge reach.

It's been pretty mind blowing for me. I woke up at 3 a.m. in the morning that it came out, too excited to sleep. And I went online, and I saw that I already had emails from Switzerland, and Dubai and the Netherlands – people around the world that had read it. At this point, I'm still trying to work my way through them.

Many of them are from parents who have lost a child. Many of them are from people experiencing grief and loss. Our grief is universal. Each loss is unique and precious to that person. And I really do feel honored that so many people have taken the time to reach out, especially considering that that was my hope in writing in the first place – was to connect with other people.

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Guest Essay

A Year on Ozempic Taught Me We’re Thinking About Obesity All Wrong

By Johann Hari

Mr. Hari is a British journalist and the author of “Magic Pill: The Extraordinary Benefits — and Disturbing Risks — of the New Weight Loss Drugs.”

Ever since I was a teenager, I have dreamed of shedding a lot of weight. So when I shrank from 203 pounds to 161 in a year, I was baffled by my feelings. I was taking Ozempic, and I was haunted by the sense that I was cheating and doing something immoral.

I’m not the only one. In the United States (where I now split my time), over 70 percent of people are overweight or obese, and according to one poll, 47 percent of respondents said they were willing to pay to take the new weight-loss drugs. It’s not hard to see why. They cause users to lose an average of 10 to 20 percent of their body weight, and clinical trials suggest that the next generation of drugs (probably available soon) leads to a 24 percent loss, on average. Yet as more and more people take drugs like Ozempic, Wegovy and Mounjaro, we get more confused as a culture, bombarding anyone in the public eye who takes them with brutal shaming.

This is happening because we are trapped in a set of old stories about what obesity is and the morally acceptable ways to overcome it. But the fact that so many of us are turning to the new weight-loss drugs can be an opportunity to find a way out of that trap of shame and stigma — and to a more truthful story.

In my lifetime, obesity has exploded, from being rare to almost being the norm. I was born in 1979, and by the time I was 21, obesity rates in the United States had more than doubled . They have skyrocketed since. The obvious question is, why? And how do these new weight-loss drugs work? The answer to both lies in one word: satiety. It’s a concept that we don’t use much in everyday life but that we’ve all experienced at some point. It describes the sensation of having had enough and not wanting any more.

The primary reason we have gained weight at a pace unprecedented in human history is that our diets have radically changed in ways that have deeply undermined our ability to feel sated. My father grew up in a village in the Swiss mountains, where he ate fresh, whole foods that had been cooked from scratch and prepared on the day they were eaten. But in the 30 years between his childhood and mine, in the suburbs of London, the nature of food transformed across the Western world. He was horrified to see that almost everything I ate was reheated and heavily processed. The evidence is clear that the kind of food my father grew up eating quickly makes you feel full. But the kind of food I grew up eating, much of which is made in factories, often with artificial chemicals, left me feeling empty and as if I had a hole in my stomach. In a recent study of what American children eat, ultraprocessed food was found to make up 67 percent of their daily diet. This kind of food makes you want to eat more and more. Satiety comes late, if at all.

One scientific experiment — which I have nicknamed Cheesecake Park — seemed to me to crystallize this effect. Paul Kenny, a neuroscientist at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York, grew up in Ireland. After he moved in 2000 to the United States, when he was in his 20s, he gained 30 pounds in two years. He began to wonder if the American diet has some kind of strange effect on our brains and our cravings, so he designed an experiment to test it. He and his colleague Paul Johnson raised a group of rats in a cage and gave them an abundant supply of healthy, balanced rat chow made out of the kind of food rats had been eating for a very long time. The rats would eat it when they were hungry, and then they seemed to feel sated and stopped. They did not become fat.

But then Dr. Kenny and his colleague exposed the rats to an American diet: fried bacon, Snickers bars, cheesecake and other treats. They went crazy for it. The rats would hurl themselves into the cheesecake, gorge themselves and emerge with their faces and whiskers totally slicked with it. They quickly lost almost all interest in the healthy food, and the restraint they used to show around healthy food disappeared. Within six weeks, their obesity rates soared.

After this change, Dr. Kenny and his colleague tweaked the experiment again (in a way that seems cruel to me, a former KFC addict). They took all the processed food away and gave the rats their old healthy diet. Dr. Kenny was confident that they would eat more of it, proving that processed food had expanded their appetites. But something stranger happened. It was as though the rats no longer recognized healthy food as food at all, and they barely ate it. Only when they were starving did they reluctantly start to consume it again.

Though Dr. Kenny’s study was in rats, we can see forms of this behavior everywhere. We are all living in Cheesecake Park — and the satiety-stealing effect of industrially assembled food is evidently what has created the need for these medications. Drugs like Ozempic work precisely by making us feel full. Carel le Roux, a scientist whose research was important to the development of these drugs, says they boost what he and others once called “satiety hormones.”

Once you understand this context, it becomes clear that processed and ultraprocessed food create a raging hole of hunger, and these treatments can repair that hole. Michael Lowe, a professor of psychology at Drexel University who has studied hunger for 40 years, told me the drugs are “an artificial solution to an artificial problem.”

Yet we have reacted to this crisis largely caused by the food industry as if it were caused only by individual moral dereliction. I felt like a failure for being fat and was furious with myself for it. Why do we turn our anger inward and not outward at the main cause of the crisis? And by extension, why do we seek to shame people taking Ozempic but not those who, say, take drugs to lower their blood pressure?

The answer, I think, lies in two very old notions. The first is the belief that obesity is a sin. When Pope Gregory I laid out the seven deadly sins in the sixth century, one of them was gluttony, usually illustrated with grotesque-seeming images of overweight people. Sin requires punishment before you can get to redemption. Think about the competition show “The Biggest Loser,” on which obese people starve and perform extreme forms of exercise in visible agony in order to demonstrate their repentance.

The second idea is that we are all in a competition when it comes to weight. Ours is a society full of people fighting against the forces in our food that are making us fatter. It is often painful to do this: You have to tolerate hunger or engage in extreme forms of exercise. It feels like a contest in which each thin person creates additional pressure on others to do the same. Looked at in this way, people on Ozempic can resemble athletes like the cyclist Lance Armstrong who used performance-enhancing drugs. Those who manage their weight without drugs might think, “I worked hard for this, and you get it for as little as a weekly jab?”

We can’t find our way to a sane, nontoxic conversation about obesity or Ozempic until we bring these rarely spoken thoughts into the open and reckon with them. You’re not a sinner for gaining weight. You’re a typical product of a dysfunctional environment that makes it very hard to feel full. If you are angry about these drugs, remember the competition isn’t between you and your neighbor who’s on weight-loss drugs. It’s between you and a food industry constantly designing new ways to undermine your satiety. If anyone is the cheat here, it’s that industry. We should be united in a struggle against it and its products, not against desperate people trying to find a way out of this trap.

There are extraordinary benefits as well as disturbing risks associated with weight-loss drugs. Reducing or reversing obesity hugely boosts health, on average: We know from years of studying bariatric surgery that it slashes the risks of cancer, heart disease and diabetes-related death. Early indications are that the new anti-obesity drugs are moving people in a similar radically healthier direction, massively reducing the risk of heart attack or stroke. But these drugs may increase the risk for thyroid cancer. I am worried they diminish muscle mass and fear they may supercharge eating disorders. This is a complex picture in which the evidence has to be weighed very carefully.

But we can’t do that if we remain lost in stories inherited from premodern popes or in a senseless competition that leaves us all, in the end, losers. Do we want these weight loss drugs to be another opportunity to tear one another down? Or do we want to realize that the food industry has profoundly altered the appetites of us all — leaving us trapped in the same cage, scrambling to find a way out?

Johann Hari is a British journalist and the author of “Magic Pill: The Extraordinary Benefits — and Disturbing Risks — of the New Weight Loss Drugs,” among other books.

Source photographs by seamartini, The Washington Post, and Zana Munteanu via Getty Images.

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